So no one told you life was gonna be this way: things that happen when you realise you’re in your mid twenties

Okay, so I’m 24 now. Yep. Twenty bloody four. Half of my friends are 25, the other half are 26 – and I even went to a 30th birthday this month. That’s it, folks, life ain’t no Wacky Warehouse anymore. It’s all rent, promotions, soda water, appropriate skirt lengths and running for the last train home – with the most desirable asset in our sights being a mortgage. Picture this: Ooh gosh, Martin and Amy have bought a house. They’re going to owe ten times their annual salary for the rest of their lives. I’M SO JEALOUS. Legit.

It’s that time of our lives when everybody is at a different point along the timeline, and every time someone else moves their counter one step forward or one step back, you start evaluating exactly what’s going on with your counter. But that’s not all that happens when you hit your mid twenties, now is it?

  1. When ticking age specific boxes, you’re often closer to 30 than you are 18.
  2. The TV screen reads, “Jenna, 18, Student”. Ooh wow she’s only my age. NO SHE IS NOT.
  3. One day it dawns on you that people out in clubs were born in 1997.
  4. You start to realise you actually don’t understand what younger people are talking about. Seriously, wtf is Yik Yak?
  5. You realise that you’ve had to start evaluating whether trends are “too young” for you. Yeah, lace up tops, I’m talking about YOU.
  6. On that note, you also have to decide whether a skirt length is “appropriate”.
  7. You’ve likely become as bitter and grumpy as an 80 year old man who fought in the war battling with his teenage neighbours.
  8. You’ve said the phrase “kids these days”. Usually in reference to witnessing a newborn baby fully competent in the usage of an iPad, which is basically considered the next stage after breast feeding.
  9. In conversation with a younger friend or colleague, you’ve had to consider whether or not they’ll know what you’re talking about when referencing the past. Sadly, there are actual walking, talking humans out there who were barely out of nappies on that fateful day when Gareth Gates didn’t win Pop Idol in 2002. So sadly, no, they don’t remember how many days they cried for.
  10. You rush to the Boxing Day sales to look at sofas. Or kitchenware. Or bed sheets.
  11. You wish Tupperware parties were still a thing.
  12. You’re coming to the realisation that your rail card discount is ending.
  13. You then start to strategically plan your final application so that your last card is granted the day before your 26th birthday.
  14. People area getting pregnant and are happy about it.
  15. People have started calling their boyfriends/girlfriends their “partner”.
  16. You give yourself a mini high five when you manage to stay out past 2.
  17. You feel the need to present your case with evidence in Zip Loc bags when telling someone about the shit you used to pull when you were 18 or 19, purely because you’re such a relic now, there’s a genuine risk they won’t believe you.
  18. When describing something that happened, you have to add in that there aren’t any photos on Facebook because, wait for it…….FACEBOOK WASN’T INVENTED THEN.
  19. Similarly, you’ve ended a conversation with “I just wish there had been camera phones back then”.
  20. You gaze from afar at young kids drawing on their tablets and wonder if they’ll ever know the true joy of drawing a fake road on the pavement with a piece of chalk.
  21. You realise you’ve been driving for seven years. So yep, you can hire a car, test drive a car, AND BE FULLY COMP ON SOMEONE ELSE’S. Our driving capabilities know no bounds.
  22. When people’s kids bump into you in shops, the parent says “mind the lady” and you’re like “umm soz but I’m actually a hot, young predator who just so happens to be shopping for anti ageing cream and Bio Oil.”
  23. You can often quite easily drift through the checkout at supermarkets with a bottle of wine without having to present ID. That’s because the shop assistant knows that you’re actually using it for your Coq Au Vin dish for your own version of Come Dine With Me – and not for the King Cup in Ring of Fire.
  24. The shop assistant probably knows this because your accompanying items are more along the lines of portobello mushrooms, soy milk and blueberries, rather than pot noodles, Glen’s vodka and a bag of basics pre-grated cheddar (because come on, you had wayyyyyy to much on your plate at Uni to even THINK about grating your own cheese).
  25. You now do grate your own cheese because “you just don’t know what preservatives are in the pre-grated stuff”.
  26. You’ve had the heartbreaking task of removing your Saturday job from your CV to make space for your exec role.
  27. You’ve also thought “but I want employers to know I was a hard working individual from the fresh young age of 15”.
  28. You’ve started booking holidays based on reviews that say “not many clubs nearby”. Sorry, Aimee from the West Midlands, but your sad face rating on Trivago has given me the green light to get this shit booked.
  29. One day you’re eating white bread as a one off, the next day your jeans don’t fit. That’s just life now.
  30. Your idea of chic interior decor is more along the lines of neutral photo frames and candles than a messy photo montage with a multitude of wristbands and a penis keyring pinned to it.

I’ve probably missed a million things, but, you know. There’s always room for a part 2.

Over and out,

Coco x

tupperware

 

 

 

40 goals for 2016

After my last post unveiling things that happened in 2015, here’s a bunch more shit that I’d like to achieve in 2016:

1. Stop assuming every twinge in my body is the beginning of my journey to death
2. Eat more grapefruit
3. Stop snoozing my alarm
4. Devise a shorter response to the question, “so what are you doing now?” to avoid trapping people by having to journey back to “so I met this Australian guy” circa 2013
5. Moan about Taylor Swift less
6. Never play beer pong when Captain Morgan is being added to the shit mix
7. Try a different club on Chapel St that isn’t Revellers
8. Moan about Metro Trains less
9. Actually decide whether or not to stick to soy milk
10. Stop buying specific individual items that I’ll never wear, just to recreate an outfit I saw on Pinterest
11. Stop thinking I like baking
12. Stop spending days baking and then throwing a tantrum that I can’t eat the cakes because I’m fat
13. Accept that Shapes aren’t a healthy snack
14. Remember that Kiwi fruits are a natural laxative before going into work
15. Learn when not to make jokes
16. Remember to buy my passion pop in advance of wanting it so I bag it for the reasonable fee of $4.90 and avoid the tantrum in the local bottle shop upon seeing that they’re charging $10 for it
17. Throw less tantrums – a newly added item after writing this list and realising I have them too often for a 24 year old
18. Don’t try on new clothes after a big dinner and then cry about being a pig and storm off to the gym
19. Join a gym with air con
20. Actually do my posture exercises and try to sit up straighter to get off the road to being a hunchback
21. Try to accept that just because I have a headache, the chances are it’s not a brain tumour
22. Stop telling people the story about how David Lloyd wouldn’t let me join the gym over Christmas
23. Accept that Starbucks in Australia tasted like crap and stop buying it
24. Decide whether or not to buy an iPad
25. Decide what type of writer I want to be
26. Take a digital marketing and SEO course
27. Stop thinking that my financial management elective and my AS level in accounting is enough, and just get an accountant
28. Either stop telling people I can speak Spanish better than I actually can, or learn it properly
29. Stop insulting Australians
30. Accept that I’ll never be able to pull off “sick” as an adjective
31. Find something new to be cynical about now that Downton Abbey is over
32. Get more manicures
33. Stop comparing how much things cost in the UK
34. Tell more people about how cork hats were designed to keep flies out your face
35. Skype friends more
36. Mention my boyfriend’s dad in more blogs because as it turns out he bloody loves it
37. Actually use insect repellent
38. Stop offering to bring a dessert to family dinners and then end up in tears after failed tart number four slides shamelessly into the bin
39. Understand that it’s really not the right time to get a Corgi yet
40. Stop boring people with talk about what visa I’m applying for

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and are still yelping in physical pain on your sofa at the sheer volume of food you ate. Good job. New Year is coming, so drink to a brilliant end to 2015 and a year ahead of health and happiness to all.

Love always,

Coco xx

soymilk

43 things that happened to me in 2015

Wow, what a crazy year. I thought no year would fly by as fast as 2014, but hey there 2015, you’ve gone and trumped it. It’s been a great year for me – here’s some things that happened on the ride:

  1. I finally realised I’m too old to remain in love with One Direction. Zayn’s departure didn’t break my heart the way it should have done, and I came to the sad conclusion that I could’t really give two shits about them anymore.
  2. I accepted that a bowl of bran flakes and four Ryvita crackers is not sufficient nutrition for the day.
  3. I realised how much I truly hate winter. I used to sort of love the cosiness of it all – the jumpers, hot chocolates, fluffy socks and layered clothing. But at some point around July in Melbourne, rain-sodden and snivelling, I announced I could not go on. My search for eternal sunshine began in Northern Queensland, where I had two tantrums and shouted at my boyfriend declaring that the cloud that had appeared on our second day was his fault. Obviously.
  4. I ate wallaby… and enjoyed it.
  5. I gave up red meat (a very recent development – for those of you who are questioning whether or not you did in fact see me chug a burger two months ago).
  6. I stopped lying to myself about enjoying clubs less than I used to. I started to realise I was getting too old for it when I stopped recognising the music, and I’m now 100% certain that I am over the hill.
  7. I made my peace with Aussie television.
  8. I learned the truth about Australian winter. No. It absolutely is NOT like our summer.
  9. I learned to drive an automatic car without flapping my left foot about in search of a clutch.
  10. I learned that sucking tea through a Tim Tam has to be done incredibly quickly before it all goes soggy and plummets to the ibis that is the bottom of your teacup.
  11. Apparently having a headache doesn’t always mean you have a brain tumour.
  12. I become a professional writer after years of writing content for free (yay me).
  13. I allowed my boyfriend to see me removing my upper lip hair.
  14. I discovered I am truly dreadful at market research interviewing.
  15. I survived an 8 hour drive to Adelaide (and back) without a freak out (bar one tiny blip on the final 3 hour stint of the return journey when we were further from McDonalds than we thought).
  16. I realised I don’t actually like Victoria’s Secret stuff that much.
  17. I sent so much stuff home from Melbourne over the year that the man in the Post Office said “to England?” every time I went in with a parcel.
  18. I realised I need to know more about politics.
  19. I discovered the true need to wear socks with my running shoes.
  20. I found a hairdresser that actually cuts off the amount you want, and doesn’t ask me how I blow dry my hair when she knows the answer is I DON’T.
  21. I found that when you exercise a lot, your hair and beauty game takes a serious hit.
  22. It seems that 5k in a beachfront race feels a lot further than 5k on the treadmill.
  23. It turns out I don’t like chia seeds. Or cacao powder.
  24. But against all odds I do like courgetti and natural peanut butter.
  25. I finally found the perfect eyeliner brush.
  26. I started saying no to cream on my Starbucks Christmas drinks for the first time EVER.
  27. I learned both verses of the Australian National Anthem.
  28. And upped my level of defence and respect for The Queen.
  29. I discovered that working from home is not always the dream your 9-5 office job leads you to believe it to be.
  30. I realised I’m over Lucy Watson.
  31. But made my boyfriend follow her on Instagram.
  32. Despite having fallen somewhat in love with mine and boyfriend’s long distance, novel-worthy existence, seeing some couples popping round to each other’s houses for the evening and having mutual family gatherings made me realise I do sometimes wish it was normal.
  33. I found that I will forever compare every mode of transport to The Tube.
  34. Taylor Swift got too cool for me. Bring back the country pop, gal.
  35. I heard the phrase ON FLEEK and quickly developed a seething hatred for its entire being.
  36. When I was new in Melbourne I made conversation with someone by telling them I thought I was allergic to my toothpaste.
  37. I learned never to make conversation by telling someone you think you’re allergic to your toothpaste.
  38. I cried at The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
  39. I also cried at Masterchef Australia.
  40. I realised how sad I am that the early-twenties stage of my life where you live with girlfriends is over.
  41. I realised that Corgis are my spirit animal. And that I must have one.
  42. I went to JB HIFI and Harvey Norman in excess of one hundred times with my boyfriend while he stared at the same TV for hours on end. That’s love.
  43. I discovered the reason I am so unhappy after going to Pancake Parlour is because I don’t actually like pancakes that much.

2015, you were pretty rad. Bring on 2016.

Coco xx

fleek

Another Year Over…

Hey there. So here we are, at the end of another year, ready to raise our glasses, stuff our faces, and fester neck deep in turkey and Quality Street for a solid week – before vowing to lose weight and hit the gym in 2016, of course. And by 2016, we mean from the first Monday of 2016, because the few days preceding one’s return to work are nothing if not buffer days to delay the new and improved selves we vow to muster.

My transition into from 2015 to 2016 is going to go a little something like this. For the next few days I’ll be sailing through a limbo period of my healthy eating and gym routine, where I’ll more than likely rise feeling great, make my usual brekkie of oats or fruit, hit the gym, grab a coffee, and come home and write (often interspersed with a brief social encounter). Then, almost as the laptop closes, the lid to the biscuit tin magically lifts itself from grip, clinks down on the table, and those chocolate dipped beauties that we get graced with but once per year will fly into my mouth with little hesitation. Before I know it, Christmas Day and Boxing Day will roll around, also known as THE DIETER’S HALL PASS. That’s right. The gym is closed. CLOSED. I’m not allowed in. The sign on the door may as well say “bathe in turkey” because quite frankly, the six letter word they opt for translates as such in just about any tongue I have ever known. Yuhuh. I plan to eat what ever I can cram into my mouth, barely stopping for breath for the entire 48 hours, before I crawl back to the gym on the 27th with my tail between legs, ready for the meat sweats.

Anyway, enough about my – albeit somewhat problematic – eating habits. Once the colossal feast is over, I’ll be packing my suitcase and dragging my poor mother off to Heathrow AGAIN to drop me off for a tasty 9am flight. 9am you hear? Not bad, right? Weeellllll, when you live two hours from the airport and overestimate the timing of everything, a 9am flight is actually code for “hey Mum, I think we should leave at 3am”. Oh, and don’t forget those magic four words – JUST TO BE SAFE. Leaving 6 hours before your flight, at a time of day when traffic is incredibly unlikely, is absurd. But. I’ll be doing it anyway.

I’ll be rocking into Melbourne at the even tastier hour of 1.55am (so my poor Mum isn’t alone in the awkward airport drop off/pick up time warp). That’s right, boyfriend. Come on down.

As a sufferer of intense jet leg (the kind where you wake up at 4am, lay in bed restless and then race out to the kitchen the second you hear movement because the prospect of eating toast with your boyfriend’s Dad is simply SOMETHING TO DO), the prospect of landing in Melbourne on New Years Eve fills me with dread. Fly in for New Year they said. It’ll be fun they said. FALL ASLEEP AT THE PARTY THEY SAID. Let’s face it, it’s going to happen.

So post pyjama party (not everyone else, just me), the reality of 2016 will set in. Both my mum and boyfriend are cracking on with brand spanking new jobs, so they’re both killing the classic ‘new year, new start’ mantra that drives multimillion pound marketing campaign for the entire globe every year. But here I am, heading back to Melbourne, to an incomplete life. After having to leave my main contract job due to visa restrictions, I’m somewhat of a nomad again. Roaming free with little purpose, I’m already beginning to get flashbacks of when I first arrived in Melbourne – though granted it’s much less of a culture shock as many aspects will have remained constant while I soaked up the balmy fifteen degree ‘heatwave’ England had on offer.

So, I decided to make myself a killer New Years Resolution. Well, my main one is to be able to do ten push ups. Proper boy ones. It may sound like nothing to some people but my upper body and core strength is nowhere where near what it needs to be (partially due to an old injury, partially due to me just having the natural strength of a artichoke). But a better one. A fun one. One that’s actually a bit backwards. Yeah sure, I’m taking 2016 as my second chance to keep my fitness up while I’m overseas, but I wanted a fun resolution, too. Over my 8 months in Melbourne I slowly piled almost a stone back on of what I had lost in 2014 – and lost A LOT of muscle, but I’ve been working hard to kick 8lbs of that in the past 6 weeks and I intend to keep it that way. By the way, those of you who nailed the “What? What weight? You look the same to me” charade – your Oscars are in the mail. Top drawer.

ANYWAY GET TO THE RESOLUTION. You’re all thinking it.

Drink. More. Champagne.

Yep, drink more champagne. And prosecco. And bellinis. Basically anything bubbly in a flute. Why, you ask? Why is this weirdo vowing to drink more champagne in the same breath as vowing to keep her fitness up?

I’ll tell you why. Champagne, in the literal sense is utterly divine (and I do whole heartedly intend to actually consume more of the bubbly stuff, in moderation, of course) it’s more of a metaphor for the celebrating I intend to do. I’ve realised I’ve got a hell of a lot to celebrate, and I don’t glug the proverbial champagne as much as I should. Everything’s pretty damn good, so for 2016 I intend to raise my glass to everything I love more often. Sure, sometimes that glass will be full to the brim of Moet & Chandon, sometimes it’ll be filled with Passion Pop; sometimes it’ll be an empty hand fist pumping to mark the end of a great run, and sometimes it’ll be a high five for completing a killer piece of writing. Either way, the champagne – however real – will be consumed.

Here’s to a great 2016. Enjoy the last few days of the “It’s Christmas” excuse, make resolutions you want to keep, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to change next year. Quite often, it’s the things you’re doing right that deserve some recognition.

Over and out.

Coco xx

drinkmorechampagne

 

27 things you will have said if you’re from Ringwood

Bonjour. I’m bashing this post out from my warm, toasty couch on a Saturday evening full to the neckline of prosecco and cheese after a corker of a lunch at Renoufs in Westbourne – so please excuse any omissions in grammar perfection, won’t you. For anyone who saw my recent Facebook status, you’ll know where the inspo for this has come from. On my way to lunch today, I was pootling along the forest roads out of Ringwood when me and my little Peugeot were reduced to the hair raising speed of 5mph – because two horses were trotting along the side of the road. As I was picking my friend up from the train station, I was concerned I was going to be late. Chuckling to myself, I thought, wow, I’m going to have to say I’m late because of a horse. Yep, a HORSE. This got me thinking – what other hilarious sentences come out of the mouths of those of us from Ringwood? Here they come:

furlong

Image via thenewforest.co.uk

  1. “Sorry, I’m late, I was stuck behind a horse on my way here”.
  2. “I GOT A PARKING SPACE AT WAITROSE ON A SATURDAY.”
  3. “Well Jules, I was going to pop to HSBC yesterday but of course, I couldn’t – it was market day!”
  4. “Gosh, The Furlong is really coming up isn’t it.”
  5. “I just don’t understand how TOYS is still in business.”
  6. “Remember when Caffe Nero was Cosmetique!?”
  7. “Oh, that car mechanic is in Parkside” Where’s that? “You know, off Christchurch Road.” Nope? “Near Texaco.” Nope. “Where the carnival starts.” OH YEAH THERE. 
  8. “Remember London Discounts?”
  9. “Well the problem was, Jemeima’s friend Molly was out of catchment for Ringwood school. She ended up at Twynham”. Oh gosh how terrible for her. 
  10. “I saw Howard [Donald] yesterday” Oh really, where? “Waitrose”.
  11. “You’ll never guess who I saw yesterday – John Clees!” Oh wow, where? “Waitrose”.
  12. “I had to pick up some lightbulbs, masking tape, a watch battery and a dog toy, so I popped into Johnny Junks”.
  13. “Whoops, I mean Ringwood Surplus Stores!”
  14. “FREE PRAWN CRACKERS FROM THE CHINESE. GET IN”.
  15. “I STILL just can’t believe it’s not a 50mph limit on the A31 yet”.
  16. “I still look at Iceland and think of Woolworths.”
  17. “Christmas just isn’t the same without Woolworths is it?”
  18. “I knocked my exhaust off going over the cattle grid last week.”
  19. “Well we were going to book Disneyland for September but of course it’s Carnival isn’t it.”
  20. “I miss walking round the corner, seeing Cat Weasel and almost crapping my pants”.
  21. “Don’t get me wrong, I like the new Framptons, but I miss the old one”.
  22. “Who actually goes in Jaeger?”
  23. “Where are you watching the Carnival?!”
  24. “Those public toilets have come a long way since there used to be diarrhoea up the walls”.
  25. “I’m surprised the back entrance of Boots lasted so long! Woolworths had to shut theirs because of break ins incase you didn’t already know!!!!!”.
  26. “The Santa parade has been called off due to bad weather”.
  27. “I bloody love Ringwood!”.

C xx