Okay, so I’m 24 now. Yep. Twenty bloody four. Half of my friends are 25, the other half are 26 – and I even went to a 30th birthday this month. That’s it, folks, life ain’t no Wacky Warehouse anymore. It’s all rent, promotions, soda water, appropriate skirt lengths and running for the last train home – with the most desirable asset in our sights being a mortgage. Picture this: Ooh gosh, Martin and Amy have bought a house. They’re going to owe ten times their annual salary for the rest of their lives. I’M SO JEALOUS. Legit.
It’s that time of our lives when everybody is at a different point along the timeline, and every time someone else moves their counter one step forward or one step back, you start evaluating exactly what’s going on with your counter. But that’s not all that happens when you hit your mid twenties, now is it?
- When ticking age specific boxes, you’re often closer to 30 than you are 18.
- The TV screen reads, “Jenna, 18, Student”. Ooh wow she’s only my age. NO SHE IS NOT.
- One day it dawns on you that people out in clubs were born in 1997.
- You start to realise you actually don’t understand what younger people are talking about. Seriously, wtf is Yik Yak?
- You realise that you’ve had to start evaluating whether trends are “too young” for you. Yeah, lace up tops, I’m talking about YOU.
- On that note, you also have to decide whether a skirt length is “appropriate”.
- You’ve likely become as bitter and grumpy as an 80 year old man who fought in the war battling with his teenage neighbours.
- You’ve said the phrase “kids these days”. Usually in reference to witnessing a newborn baby fully competent in the usage of an iPad, which is basically considered the next stage after breast feeding.
- In conversation with a younger friend or colleague, you’ve had to consider whether or not they’ll know what you’re talking about when referencing the past. Sadly, there are actual walking, talking humans out there who were barely out of nappies on that fateful day when Gareth Gates didn’t win Pop Idol in 2002. So sadly, no, they don’t remember how many days they cried for.
- You rush to the Boxing Day sales to look at sofas. Or kitchenware. Or bed sheets.
- You wish Tupperware parties were still a thing.
- You’re coming to the realisation that your rail card discount is ending.
- You then start to strategically plan your final application so that your last card is granted the day before your 26th birthday.
- People area getting pregnant and are happy about it.
- People have started calling their boyfriends/girlfriends their “partner”.
- You give yourself a mini high five when you manage to stay out past 2.
- You feel the need to present your case with evidence in Zip Loc bags when telling someone about the shit you used to pull when you were 18 or 19, purely because you’re such a relic now, there’s a genuine risk they won’t believe you.
- When describing something that happened, you have to add in that there aren’t any photos on Facebook because, wait for it…….FACEBOOK WASN’T INVENTED THEN.
- Similarly, you’ve ended a conversation with “I just wish there had been camera phones back then”.
- You gaze from afar at young kids drawing on their tablets and wonder if they’ll ever know the true joy of drawing a fake road on the pavement with a piece of chalk.
- You realise you’ve been driving for seven years. So yep, you can hire a car, test drive a car, AND BE FULLY COMP ON SOMEONE ELSE’S. Our driving capabilities know no bounds.
- When people’s kids bump into you in shops, the parent says “mind the lady” and you’re like “umm soz but I’m actually a hot, young predator who just so happens to be shopping for anti ageing cream and Bio Oil.”
- You can often quite easily drift through the checkout at supermarkets with a bottle of wine without having to present ID. That’s because the shop assistant knows that you’re actually using it for your Coq Au Vin dish for your own version of Come Dine With Me – and not for the King Cup in Ring of Fire.
- The shop assistant probably knows this because your accompanying items are more along the lines of portobello mushrooms, soy milk and blueberries, rather than pot noodles, Glen’s vodka and a bag of basics pre-grated cheddar (because come on, you had wayyyyyy to much on your plate at Uni to even THINK about grating your own cheese).
- You now do grate your own cheese because “you just don’t know what preservatives are in the pre-grated stuff”.
- You’ve had the heartbreaking task of removing your Saturday job from your CV to make space for your exec role.
- You’ve also thought “but I want employers to know I was a hard working individual from the fresh young age of 15”.
- You’ve started booking holidays based on reviews that say “not many clubs nearby”. Sorry, Aimee from the West Midlands, but your sad face rating on Trivago has given me the green light to get this shit booked.
- One day you’re eating white bread as a one off, the next day your jeans don’t fit. That’s just life now.
- Your idea of chic interior decor is more along the lines of neutral photo frames and candles than a messy photo montage with a multitude of wristbands and a penis keyring pinned to it.
I’ve probably missed a million things, but, you know. There’s always room for a part 2.
Over and out,