Literally a Blog About a Soap Dispenser and Life

This baby does exactly what it says on the tin. This is a blog about a soap dispenser. Literally.

This is quite a fitting post for today, as I’ve literally been through all the feels a twenty-something working from home can possible feel on a Friday.

I woke up feeling good. I made myself a grapefruit and a jasmine green tea and sat in a state of motivated calm on my yoga mat, before concluding I should probably wait until the Foxtel man has been before I start downward dogging my ass off. (For my UK readers, Foxtel is basically Sky TV but it’s not called Sky because, ya know, Straya)

Before the guy arrived with all his installation wires and ting, he called me to host the most awkward conversation that I totally wasn’t prepared for at 9.30am. He called to tell me he couldn’t find a parking space.

Ummmmm. Ok? What do you say to that? “Oh okay bro no worries don’t sweat about installing the box we’ll just live without it so you don’t have to go through the struggs of finding a parking space kay, bye.”.

Obvs not. So it was a pretty silent phone call with a very awkward hang up at the end when we both realised we had truly reached a stalemate.

He eventually rocked in after an equally awkward encounter on the video intercom. (Our building has an entrance gate and then each tower has it’s own set of doors, so people have to buzz us twice to get let through both doors. Fine for pals, not so fine for pizza delivery guys/Foxtel men/any other category of stranger ‘cos you end up having the awkward ‘second hello’ dilemma when you don’t know whether to be super familiar because you feel like you know them so well after the first buzz, or whether to act surprised when they buzz again. Legit.)

He was wearing a San Francisco 49ers SnapBack and I was totally torn between pretending I hadn’t noticed it, and running to put my New Orleans one on and asking him if he wanted sack off his Foxtel career to chill here and fist bump and talk about the SuperBowl.

Spoiler: I stuck with the former option.

Anyway, post Foxtel, my motivation for a day of yoga and work subsided, and I sunk into the couch to explore the jazzy features and catch up and box sets and omfg unlimited movies and sports and HELLO Sex and the City box set lemme just cancel allllll ma plans and fester here for all eternity.

So I watched some SATC and THEN mustered the energy for yoga. By this point it’s noon, just FYI.

15 minutes in I got all shaky and weird and hot and flustered and oh wow my 2 weeks off running is really taking it’s toll on me. I think my iron levels are low at the mo too because I’ve been focused on loosing some kgs before holiday lately and my stores of all kinds of stuff tend to take a hit when I’m doing that. So yeah.

So I got all scared and toddled back off to bed and lobbed a big red iron pill down my neck and messaged Jess for comfort and sympathy.

He suggested I ate something and my growling belly did concur with that notion, so I had this wild idea of allowing myself bread as a treat. But nah I ended up making a one pan bake thing with tomatoes and bean mix and tuna.

I then realised I’d had no coffee yet so scuttled downstairs to caff-up. I felt like I regained my colour on the first sip, so I’ve learned my lesson never to skip coffee and jump straight to green tea. Always coffee first. Always always always.

Because I’m guilty of Googling allllll the health woes, I Googled how I was feeling and turns out feeling sicky after drinking green tea on an empty stomach is TOTALLY A THING.

Anyway this soap dispenser. You can tell how all over the place I am by the structure of this blog. This is hardly an advert for my copywriting credentials. Soz and that.

This week I got my hands on a marble and copper soap dispenser that I have honestly wanted for about 2 months because ummm, rose gold is everything. It kept selling out from Kmart (for UK readers, basically a shitter version of Primark. Homeware is on point, clothes look like Tesco before they got swaggy) and when it was online it wasn’t letting me order it for pick up and the delivery cost three times the cost of the soap dispenser. So I was avoiding that option until I was sure it was my only option.

I had to schlep deep out into the ‘burbs this week for an appointment, which meant a whole new realm of Kmart branches that may in fact have it in stock – and OMFG THEY DID. $5 for the best soap dispenser ever. It matches the little plant, candle and random geometric copper basket thing that really has no purpose but is so totally Pinterest that it just HAD to take pride of place in our kitchen in our new apartment.

Here she is in all her glory (feat. the aforementioned plant and geometric piece of weirdness) – though the marble effect is more subtle than I expected and is hardly captured when you take photos of it but STILL. It’s still so beautiful.

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All bow down in her glory. You’re probably thinking wtf that’s so average but I’ve wanted it forever and it’s taken over my thoughts and dreams so just be happy yeah?!

Anyway it’s now 3pm and I’ve made no dent I wanted to achieve today sooo yeah.

Toodles xxx

 

 

 

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24 Things All Girlfriends Hear When a Game of Fifa is Being Played

This post comes to you live from my den of procrastination, aka my entire life. I’m still high fiving myself after executing a sublime swerve on a fatty subway breakfast this morning after ducking in for a bottle of water and allowing the sweet sweet smell of all the meatball subs set up camp right inside my nostrils.

It was a near miss, to say the least.

It’s moments like this that remind me that I really need to get my head out of my arse and stop telling people I’ve ‘changed my relationship with food’. I clearly have not.

Anyway, Fifa.

This post has been a long time coming, but I’ve realised enough is enough. Women of the world need to share the mutual despair of that feeling you get when your sweet, loving, (in my case quite shy) boyfriend turns into what appears to be a raging maniac on bail for GBH. The victim to such: the Playstation controllers. Poor bastards. Thrown across the garden, slammed on floors, cursed at the world over.

If I’m honest, I never thought my boyfriend playing Fifa would bother me. I’m not a football hater, far from it. I support Liverpool *bows head in shame and sheds a tear for what could have been* – I was even hella good at Pro Evo, but I’ve now learned that those two words are utter blasphemy, because somewhere along the line Pro Evo got shit and Fifa got good. Well I must’ve had my head firmly wedged in a jar of peanut butter because nobody told me.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of shit my boyfriend does when playing Fifa.

  1. “I’m going to play Fifa for a while”. Translate: I’m about to become as aggressive as Grant Mitchell off Eastenders and make you wonder why we’re together.
  2. *Plays Bayern Munich against Bayern Munich*. Wtf?
  3. “ARGHHHHHHHH.”
  4. “FUCKS SAKE.” U ok hun?
  5. *throws Playstation controller*. “I should never have bought this Playstation. You read my mind.
  6. “WHAT A WASTE OF FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.” Cost per hour you’ve played it is about 1p so not really.
  7. *punches couch* Mind my upholstery god dammit.
  8. “GET INNNNNN.”
  9. “FUCK YEAH IM FOUR NIL UP”. Good for you huni.
  10. “Great tackle”. Modesty is key, I see. 
  11. “Arrrgh the other player quit the game because I’m winning.” WHO DOES THAT. You. You do that.
  12. FUCKS SAKE I’M FOUR NIL DOWN IM QUITTING. See.
  13. Me: “I am dying/bleeding/am in labour/will have sex with you/am making you dinner/am crying”. Response: “Huh? I can’t pause I don’t have the ball.” Ok kl I’ll just die then.
  14. “I’ve just got Wimbledon FC into the Champions League”. Expect a call from the FA any day now baby.
  15. “ERRRR THAT’S A FOUL!” Was it though?
  16. “FUCKING REF.” Yep defo his fault.
  17. “Ooh yay free kick.”
  18. “FUCKING LAG.” Wtf is lag?
  19. “Fucks sake stupid Playstation.” Oooooor you’re just shit.
  20. “World Class is too hard. I’m going down a level but don’t tell my friends.” I will definitely tell all your friends.
  21. “Woooooo I’m so good at Fifa.”
  22. “Oh WHAT.”
  23. “NOT THERE.” I’ve learned that this is shouted when the console goes on a mad one and apparently doesn’t read your mind and switch you to the player you wanted. 
  24. Me: “Because I’m so totally awesome I spent $80 on a second controller so you can play when Tom comes over.” *Has Tom over to take it in turns to stare at each other playing online on ONE controller.” All the clothes I coulda had with that $80. Sigh.

Gals, the struggle is real. I feel ya.

Ciao x

jay

 

58 Thoughts I Had While at Meditation Class

So recently I went to a four-part meditation course with a friend. We both suffer from a bit of anxiety and stress so thought it might be a way to release the fears. Thing is, I’m in no way ‘woo-woo’. Or particularly capable of being something I’m not. What I learned on my Introduction to Meditation is that I don’t wish to read chapter two. I’m a runner. I relax by going for a run. That clears my mind. Sitting does not. I appreciate meditation is a great release for some people. The analogy of the water and soil in a glass, I get that (basically the soil cant settle until the water is completely still). But maybe I like a bit of soil in my life. Perhaps that’s what keeps me on my toes, maybe that’s how I thrive. I have always worked quite well under pressure. Basically, stillness is not for me. I like to move. I like to shake out the dirt, rather than let it settle. If you’re in any way like me – that is, somewhat uptight (though I like to call it energetic and passionate) – you might relate to some of these thoughts I had while meditating. And by meditating I mean being my usual cynical self while sat in a Buddah-like stature.

meditation

  1. This is going to be awesome. Maybe I’ll stop being a stressed, uptight bitch all the time.
  2. Maybe I’ll be able to get a headache without assuming it’s a brain tumour. Or have an itchy finger without Googling ‘finger cancer’.
  3. Wow. I just paid $20 to sit.
  4. We’re all sitting cross legged on carpet. This feels like school.
  5. Ah school.
  6. Seriously, remember school. I feel like a huge giant overhead projector needs to be wheeled in.
  7. Wow I totally zoned out then. Am I nailing this meditation thing?
  8. “Don’t let your mind wander”. Oh shit. I’m not
  9. Wow, I don’t think I’m thinking about anything. Oh wait. I’m thinking about that.
  10. “Let your attention fall towards your jaw. Your ears. Your forehead.” Can anyone feel their forehead?
  11. God I feel like I’m swaying.
  12. I wonder if he’s looking at me swaying.
  13. Ok I’m actually not swaying.
  14. Maybe this is meditating?
  15. Nah don’t think so.
  16. “Walk yourself back through everything you did today”. Seriously? I can’t remember what happened ten minutes ago let alone the entire day backwards.
  17. WHAT DID I DO AT WORK TODAY.
  18. WHAT THE HELL DID I HAVE FOR LUNCH.
  19. Oh yeah salad. Fucking salad. Why am I reliving this again?
  20. God my posture is shit.
  21. I think I can hear someone hoovering.
  22. Gosh I must hoover the apartment.
  23. Focus.
  24. Well, focus on not focusing.
  25. Ommmmmmmmmm.
  26. God I need to sneeze.
  27. *sneeze*. This instructor now thinks I am an idiot. Zen people don’t sneeze.
  28. My nose has never been more itchy in my life.
  29. I wonder how long we’ve been sitting here.
  30. My leg is numb.
  31. Yep, and my foot.
  32. Yay pins and needles.
  33. I wonder if I’m meditating yet.
  34. “So you should now be reaching mid-morning in your journey back through the day”. Oh, really? Everyone else’s day was clearly more eventful than mine then. Reliving sitting in my desk chair chomping on a lettuce leaf didn’t take me long.
  35. “Think about how to be relaxed instead of stressed. For example, when you lose your keys. Just calmly walk your mind back through the day to when you last had them.” Seriously? If I can’t find my keys and Nando’s is about to close I’m gonna tear the house apart like a crazy ass freak of nature until I find them, okay?
  36. I’m definitely too uptight for this.
  37. I think I’m falling asleep.
  38. Wow I’ve never felt my vertebral discs before. But there they are. Individually burning one at a time.
  39. I’m definitely slouching.
  40. I’d do anything to open my eyes right now.
  41. Shit I’m meant to be meditating.
  42. Why am I out of breath?
  43. Oh my god we’re chanting. I’ll just mime along.
  44. How does everyone else know the chant and I don’t?
  45. This is nothing like Les Mills Body Balance.
  46. Please stop talking about my past life.
  47. “Just 2 more minutes”. FUCK YEAH nailed it.
  48. Though all I’ve done is think.
  49. Idiot.
  50. I’m hungry. I wonder if everyone can hear my stomach rumbling.
  51. WHY DO I SWALLOW SO LOUDLY? Nobody else is swallowing.
  52. He’s going to know I’m not in a state of zen.
  53. Why can’t I do this shit lying down.
  54. My bum is more numb than after a RyanAir flight.
  55. God this is a long two minutes.
  56. “Okay, open your eyes slowly”. How do you feel?”
  57. The same. Just with pins in needles in limbs I didn’t know could get pins and needles.
  58. I’m definitely not zen enough for meditation. I’ll just stick to swearing and crying every now and again.

 

Anyone else felt like this?! Tell me I’m not alone, would ya?! Until then, I’ll be, most likely, in a frenzy somewhere – though I truly believe that frenzy will set me on the path to the greatness to follow. It’s called being driven.

Over and out,

Coco x