Reflecting On 2016’s Goals

It came to my attention that almost a year ago I posted forty somewhat pointless goals for 2016. As we’re approaching the summit of a brand new year, I thought it’d be a right old laugh for everyone if we go back and lol our bums off at everything I didn’t achieve last year. Here’s the 40 goals I set for myself on December 27 last year, and my thoughts on each.
1. Stop assuming every twinge in my body is the beginning of my journey to death. While my anxiety had improved slightly, I must confess to 3 blood tests, one transvaginal ultrasound, one denied MRI and about 7402746 leukaemia scares in the past year. Safe to say I’m still working on that one. 
2. Eat more grapefruit. Ate a few, decided the squelchy sounds I made when eating them was likely to render me single for all eternity so I stopped. 
3. Stop snoozing my alarm. If anything, I snooze my alarm more. Whoops. 
4. Devise a shorter response to the question, “so what are you doing now?” to avoid trapping people by having to journey back to “so I met this Australian guy” circa 2013. LOL nope. Still boring passers-by. 
5. Moan about Taylor Swift less. I think I actually achieved this one. Just. 
6. Never play beer pong when Captain Morgan is being added to the shit mix. I can confirm I can no longer even smell Captain Morgan without my mouth filling with warm sick, so no danger of this one. 
7. Try a different club on Chapel St that isn’t Revellers. Went to Attik and I cried. 
8. Moan about Metro Trains less. Achieved, though largely attributable to the fact we moved to the tram zone instead of the trains, and I seem to think anything less than 10km is walking distance. 
9. Actually decide whether or not to stick to soy milk. In true Emma style, I stuck to soy milk and cut out dairy. Then started panicking that maybe humans do need dairy.  
10. Stop buying specific individual items that I’ll never wear, just to recreate an outfit I saw on Pinterest. Still doing that. Hello Adidas Superstars.
11. Stop thinking I like baking. Still don’t like baking. Accepted it. 
12. Stop spending days baking and then throwing a tantrum that I can’t eat the cakes because I’m fat. Learned sugar free baking! 
13. Accept that Shapes aren’t a healthy snack. I’m 11 months Shapes sober. 
14. Remember that Kiwi fruits are a natural laxative before going into work. Duly noted. 
15. Learn when not to make jokes. ‘Fraid I failed on this too. Still accidentally offending. 
16. Remember to buy my passion pop in advance of wanting it so I bag it for the reasonable fee of $4.90 and avoid the tantrum in the local bottle shop upon seeing that they’re charging $10 for it.
17. Throw less tantrums – a newly added item after writing this list and realising I have them too often for a 24 year old. Been a little better, but Jess has created the term ‘fattitude’ for when I have attitude about being fat. So maybe not. 
18. Don’t try on new clothes after a big dinner and then cry about being a pig and storm off to the gym. Still doing it, still whining. 
19. Join a gym with air con. DONE. 
20. Actually do my posture exercises and try to sit up straighter to get off the road to being a hunchback. Took up Pilates and improved my posture so sort of. 
21. Try to accept that just because I have a headache, the chances are it’s not a brain tumour. This has happened less, but generally because I’ve had less headaches. The next twinge I feel will 99% be a miscellaneous blastoma. 
22. Stop telling people the story about how David Lloyd wouldn’t let me join the gym over Christmas. Now telling the story about how they DID let me join over October. Sorry. 
23. Accept that Starbucks in Australia tastes like crap and stop buying it. Turns out their long blacks are actually very good and better value when you want a large one because you’re a sassy bitch that can’t be tamed. 
24. Decide whether or not to buy an iPad. Did not buy iPad. 
25. Decide what type of writer I want to be. Still no idea. Recently wrote copy for a lean meat producer while contemplating going vegetarian. Solid. 
26. Take a digital marketing and SEO course. HAHAHAH no. 
27. Stop thinking that my financial management elective and my AS level in accounting is enough, and just get an accountant. Poached one in the lift of my building. Tax return remains unfiled though. 
28. Either stop telling people I can speak Spanish better than I actually can, or learn it properly. Still over using the phrase ‘solamente un poco’ 
29. Stop insulting Australians. Would be easier if they’d stop saying ‘veggies’. 
30. Accept that I’ll never be able to pull off “sick” as an adjective. Also duly noted. 
31. Find something new to be cynical about now that Downton Abbey is over. Enter Game of Thrones. 
32. Get more manicures. Did not do, but found out my boyfriend can cut my nails beautifully. 
33. Stop comparing how much things cost in the UK. Getting better. 
34. Tell more people about how cork hats were designed to keep flies out your face. Yet to drop this knowledge. 
35. Skype friends more. Fail. 
36. Mention my boyfriend’s dad in more blogs because as it turns out he bloody loves it. I think I did this earlier in the year. 
37. Actually use insect repellent. Still being devoured by half of Australia’s mosquitos unforch. 
38. Stop offering to bring a dessert to family dinners and then end up in tears after failed tart number four slides shamelessly into the bin. I am no longer on the dessert committee. 
39. Understand that it’s really not the right time to get a Corgi yet. We remain corgi-less. 
40. Stop boring people with talk about what visa I’m applying for. LOL nope, still conversation fodder. 

Better goals coming for 2017!

Love always,

Coco xx

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9 reasons why it doesn’t matter if you haven’t got your shit together yet

  1. Nobody ever truly has their shit together. You could be riding your unicorn down Old Brompton Road with ten trillian quid in the bank and you’d probably still be having a meltdown about what kind of brie to buy at Waitrose.
  1. Just like your tastes change with age and status, so do your worries. Just because you think you’ll have your job, finances and relationship ducks in a row one day doesn’t mean you won’t have other (likely more important) things to worry about. Can I get a ‘fuck no’ for mammograms, menopause and the three yearly treat from mr postman that is your smear test reminder? I think we all thought once we get that first one at 25 out the way it gets easier, but I’ll bet ya it doesn’t!
  1. It turns out your twenties aren’t what we thought they were in our teens. If you’re thinking SHIT I thought I’d have kids by 27 at the latest, you ain’t alone. But next time you start to think you and your aging ovaries will die alone, eggless and childless, toss on your heels and go have an espresso martini and ask yourself if you really think you’re ready to be at home playing with megablocks and arguing over who’s meant to be on pooey nappy duty.
  1. Even when you do start to get your shit together, you probably won’t even realise it. Tbh I’m not entirely sure when I stopped spending nights in clubs with my head over the toilet before rocking back out like a wounded donkey for one last chorus of I Wanna Dance With Somebody, and when I started working freelance and living in a beautiful apartment with my boyfriend that has a marble bathroom and an infinity pool (soz and that)…. And I’m still all over the place.
  1. There’s always somebody worse off than you. Whether it’s through fault of their own or not. Okay sure, so you’re actually considering paying for Tinder now instead of spending weekends at farmers markets in matching tweed like you dreamed it. So what? At least you’ve got a job and you’re earning a living. You’re not on the streets, and you’re lucky enough to have your health. That’s some metaphorical shit, metaphorically together, right there.
  1. The news isn’t necessarily true. Now this is a bold statement for me, as I am one to immediately vow never to touch something like blue tac ever again if there’s the slightest possibility that it’s been proven to be carcinogenic. But in my clear mind, the news really is scaremongering us about having kids. “Women who wait until they’re over 30 for kids are at risk”. YEAH YEAH okay but when am I like, meant to travel the world and find myself or spend all my money on Asos or pay a small fortune to live in London only to end up moving further out to commute on a stinky train every day. WHEN WILL I HAVE TIME FOR THAT? Now. Do it all now. My mum had me at 33, I’m an only child and I turned out just about okay – and she’s still kickin’ too. Having kids later in life might be more risky, but so was that 80th tequila at Freshers week, and you survived that.
  1. You just might be on the path to something you’re meant to do. You might be sitting at your desk at a job you hate, waiting for this ‘shit’ to be ‘together’. Trust me, just wait it out. I always say the worst paths lead to the best people – and the best things. If I hadn’t made some of the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my time, some of the amazing stuff wouldn’t have happened to me. I once turned town an amazing marketing job in London where I basically would’ve schmoozed with One Direction on an average Thursday, based on a gut feeling I shouldn’t do it. For a while I wondered if I’d made the worst mistake of my entire career, but I found my way and I’ve never been more sure I did the right thing.
  1. Other people probably haven’t got their shit together either. Much like my previous post on social image, we only really know the very best of other people – because that’s all they tell you. Everybody worries they’re not where they’re meant to be, even if they’re already there. That mate who’s up at the crack of dawn for spinning before high tailing it off wearing a Zara pant suit and power bun to her managerial role could be neck deep in Big Mac’s by 9pm and swiping right to anyone who’ll have her, for all we know.
  1. At the end of the day, things’ll probably never work out exactly how you thought they would. Stop wasting time trying to press the fast forward button. Just enjoy life on pause for a second. Unforch, Netflix don’t yet stream reruns of your twenties, so you’ll have to enjoy them live instead. Live? Imagine that. Chances are, wherever you’re at right now, is exactly where you need to be right at this very moment in time. One day, you’ll realise.

Until next time,

Coco x