23 Truths About Owning an iPhone

Evening all. This week I’ve fallen victim to a few iPhone fails. Yes, I cracked my screen, broke my charger and splashed water on it while texting in the tub. Basically the Apple hatrick. It made me realise that there are a few, well, facts of life that become apparent when you join team iPhone, that I just had to share some of mine! I’m sure you’ll all agree!
  1. Your favourite bars, restaurants and cafés are no longer ranked on the quality of food or value for money. More on the vastness of their available plug sockets (can we get an Amen for starbucks)
  2. The term 1% can mean anything from “this is the end” to “chill bro, you’ve got half a day’s battery left”
  3. There is no greater feeling of triumph than when you drop your iPhone in such a manor that you are expecting it to be smashed to pieces when you see it landed face down, only to realise it has made it through yet another near fatal experience.
  4. You then brand your blessed iphone, INDESTRUCTABLE, and tell everyone you know.
  5. Your iphone then, one sad day, falls victim to one of your losses of grip, shatters a dramatic pattern in both the screen, and lets face it your heart too, which is usually followed by angry slurs at how brittle and fragile the iphones are. Yes. We’re talking about the same indestructible iPhone you raved about last week.
  6. The torch app you installed years ago is actually useless, as the toolbar has its own built in torch.
  7. You have a distinct feeling of attachment to the Paper Toss and Beer Drinking apps that were downloaded on your first iPhone. You’d rather delete photographs of your wedding day than these classic bad boys.
  8. You will never truly know what the mysterious 4GB of “other” is cluttering up your 16GB iphone. Nor why the total capacity isn’t, never was, and never ever will be, the full 16GB.
  9. Upon realising this, you vow that next time you will get the 32GB or 64GB. Trust me. You wont.
  10. The touch ID on your iPhone 5s NEVER works when you’re trying to dazzle your non-iphone-owning friends.
  11. The same can be said for Siri
  12. If you haven’t already, the day will come when you will swallow your pride, skuttle up to a waiter in a restaurant, and beg and plead that a member of staff has an iphone charger you can borrow.
  13. The aforementioned waiter and fellow staff will usually say yes, and give you a look tailored only for this moment, which encompasses sheer compassion and sympathy at the fact you’re out of battery and can no longer operate your pressing schedule of Snapchat, Instagram and Candy Crush Saga on the tube home.
  14. You can tell what kind of person someone is by whether they use folders for apps or just leave it scattered across the home screen.
  15. You will have, at some point, somehow taken a screen shot of absolutely nothing, and to this day have no idea how it happened.
  16. When someone tells you their battery life is awful, you just can’t take them seriously unless they answer yes to the “ah but do you close down all your apps by double clicking the home screen? Question. If they don’t, then quite frankly, they deserve it.
  17. You will forever wonder why you can’t just say haha, without the daily battle of it saying gaga.
  18. Similarly, if something is hilarious once, and constitutes a capital HAHAHAHAHA, you are committing to being stuck with the OTT expression of laughter for the rest of your life, thanks to autocorrect changing every “haha” to that one.
  19. You have never. Ever. Wanted to say Ducking, and quite frankly cant even believe it’s a word
  20. You can never be allowed to say the word “Yo”. It will always be changed to “up” or “to”
  21. You spend your life explaining to non-iPhone users what you actually meant when you said ducking, gaga, Sanjeev, shut, and various other assumptions that autocorrect makes on your vocabulary choices.
  22. There are no words to describe the frustration you feel when your message alert goes off, but all you get is an obnoxious blue dot next to YOUR OWN MESSAGE. What the hell is that about?!
  23. Despite all this, you are iPhone ‘til you die, and would never, ever consider switching. United we stand, iPhone owners. Together, we can survive a life of bad battery life, smashed screens, and an infinite future of autocorrect fails. WE LOVE YOU APPLE.