23 things that prove your school years were your sassiest.

Because life was well tough back then, it was no wonder you had an attitude, right?

1. Going full Kourtney Karashian on your Mum after she has the audacity to suggest that your last year’s Withit pencil case ‘will do’ for another year. Ummm, no Mum. 

kourt

2. Not being able to decide between your pink DCs or your black Duffs for your prime hottie outfit for mufty day, so nipping onto the dial up internet for a group opinion on MSN the night before.

3. Being sure to wear the correct number of shag bands on your wrists to reflect your level of uncompromised sluttiness.

shagbands

image via snopes.com

4. Whipping your flip phone out of your inner blazer pocket and feeling like a hot mix of James Bond cool and Lizzie McGuire swag.

5. Sticking dream catchers, mini mirrors and spare lip gloss in your locker to ensure you remain as Mary-Kate and Ashley as possible at all times.

6. …And assuming your parents want to see said locker at parents’ evening. FYI, they do not.

7. Leaving as many shirt buttons undone as you could get away with to not-so-subtly allow all the boys to sneak a glimpse at your raunchy M&S Angel bra.

Angelbra

8. And if the top of your Girl Boxers could peep outta the top of your boot flare trousers from Tammy, that’d be just swell.

9. Pouting your perfectly glossed lips in anger when the bell rang and class wasn’t immediately terminated like the American sitcoms let us believe it would.

10. Swagging round school for the entire week post-BCG jab showing off your war wound and making the lower year levels feel medically inferior.

11. Watching Skins and immediately deciding that the drugged-up-sleeping-in-your-own-sick life was so you.

skins

image via skinsmusic.co.uk

12. …And subsequently trying to make out like every sleepover was a mad rave by taking scandalous pics in your lounge.

12. Never being more than an inch away from your Dream Matte Mousse.

14. …Which was obviously about four shades too dark because duh nobody wants to be Ivory.

15. Making your Mum late for work because you’re busy applying Wella gel to get that perfect slicked back, bump free, skull exposing pony tail that brings all the boys to your yard.

sportyspice

16. Spending a good ten minutes perfecting your MSN screen name, making sure that you’ve 1) named your crush with a code name and 2) chosen the perfect passive aggressive/emotional song lyric to sum up your misunderstood life.

17. Spending all your credit on that awesome polyphonic ringtone so having to call your bestie on the landline before school to check whether you’re bringing lunch or buying it.

18. Making sure that Becca was aware she totally crossed a line today by rearranging your Bebo friends grid (and your ‘other half of me’).

19. Settling for nothing less than the chunkiest of shoes from the Bootleg section at Clarkes.

bootlegimage via amazon.co.uk

20. …And the ridiculously pointless free gift that came with them. #tbt to that weird purple box that was possibly meant for pens?

21. Carrying one of these hotties round like it was the new season Birkin.

Janenorman

image via femalefirst.co.uk

22. … And you got that bag from investing in one of these versatile little puppies.

cardy

image via stylight.co.uk

23. Walking around feeling totally irresistible in amidst a choking haze of Charlie So…Kiss Me, and never being surer that you were a solid 10/10. 

And now, all these years later, we look back and realise that between all the blue mascara, Charlie body spray and aspiring to be fictional drug addicts from a TV show, they were some of the best days of our lives. What are your funniest memories from your school days? Cmon, share your sass tips for future generations….

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58 Thoughts I Had While at Meditation Class

So recently I went to a four-part meditation course with a friend. We both suffer from a bit of anxiety and stress so thought it might be a way to release the fears. Thing is, I’m in no way ‘woo-woo’. Or particularly capable of being something I’m not. What I learned on my Introduction to Meditation is that I don’t wish to read chapter two. I’m a runner. I relax by going for a run. That clears my mind. Sitting does not. I appreciate meditation is a great release for some people. The analogy of the water and soil in a glass, I get that (basically the soil cant settle until the water is completely still). But maybe I like a bit of soil in my life. Perhaps that’s what keeps me on my toes, maybe that’s how I thrive. I have always worked quite well under pressure. Basically, stillness is not for me. I like to move. I like to shake out the dirt, rather than let it settle. If you’re in any way like me – that is, somewhat uptight (though I like to call it energetic and passionate) – you might relate to some of these thoughts I had while meditating. And by meditating I mean being my usual cynical self while sat in a Buddah-like stature.

meditation

  1. This is going to be awesome. Maybe I’ll stop being a stressed, uptight bitch all the time.
  2. Maybe I’ll be able to get a headache without assuming it’s a brain tumour. Or have an itchy finger without Googling ‘finger cancer’.
  3. Wow. I just paid $20 to sit.
  4. We’re all sitting cross legged on carpet. This feels like school.
  5. Ah school.
  6. Seriously, remember school. I feel like a huge giant overhead projector needs to be wheeled in.
  7. Wow I totally zoned out then. Am I nailing this meditation thing?
  8. “Don’t let your mind wander”. Oh shit. I’m not
  9. Wow, I don’t think I’m thinking about anything. Oh wait. I’m thinking about that.
  10. “Let your attention fall towards your jaw. Your ears. Your forehead.” Can anyone feel their forehead?
  11. God I feel like I’m swaying.
  12. I wonder if he’s looking at me swaying.
  13. Ok I’m actually not swaying.
  14. Maybe this is meditating?
  15. Nah don’t think so.
  16. “Walk yourself back through everything you did today”. Seriously? I can’t remember what happened ten minutes ago let alone the entire day backwards.
  17. WHAT DID I DO AT WORK TODAY.
  18. WHAT THE HELL DID I HAVE FOR LUNCH.
  19. Oh yeah salad. Fucking salad. Why am I reliving this again?
  20. God my posture is shit.
  21. I think I can hear someone hoovering.
  22. Gosh I must hoover the apartment.
  23. Focus.
  24. Well, focus on not focusing.
  25. Ommmmmmmmmm.
  26. God I need to sneeze.
  27. *sneeze*. This instructor now thinks I am an idiot. Zen people don’t sneeze.
  28. My nose has never been more itchy in my life.
  29. I wonder how long we’ve been sitting here.
  30. My leg is numb.
  31. Yep, and my foot.
  32. Yay pins and needles.
  33. I wonder if I’m meditating yet.
  34. “So you should now be reaching mid-morning in your journey back through the day”. Oh, really? Everyone else’s day was clearly more eventful than mine then. Reliving sitting in my desk chair chomping on a lettuce leaf didn’t take me long.
  35. “Think about how to be relaxed instead of stressed. For example, when you lose your keys. Just calmly walk your mind back through the day to when you last had them.” Seriously? If I can’t find my keys and Nando’s is about to close I’m gonna tear the house apart like a crazy ass freak of nature until I find them, okay?
  36. I’m definitely too uptight for this.
  37. I think I’m falling asleep.
  38. Wow I’ve never felt my vertebral discs before. But there they are. Individually burning one at a time.
  39. I’m definitely slouching.
  40. I’d do anything to open my eyes right now.
  41. Shit I’m meant to be meditating.
  42. Why am I out of breath?
  43. Oh my god we’re chanting. I’ll just mime along.
  44. How does everyone else know the chant and I don’t?
  45. This is nothing like Les Mills Body Balance.
  46. Please stop talking about my past life.
  47. “Just 2 more minutes”. FUCK YEAH nailed it.
  48. Though all I’ve done is think.
  49. Idiot.
  50. I’m hungry. I wonder if everyone can hear my stomach rumbling.
  51. WHY DO I SWALLOW SO LOUDLY? Nobody else is swallowing.
  52. He’s going to know I’m not in a state of zen.
  53. Why can’t I do this shit lying down.
  54. My bum is more numb than after a RyanAir flight.
  55. God this is a long two minutes.
  56. “Okay, open your eyes slowly”. How do you feel?”
  57. The same. Just with pins in needles in limbs I didn’t know could get pins and needles.
  58. I’m definitely not zen enough for meditation. I’ll just stick to swearing and crying every now and again.

 

Anyone else felt like this?! Tell me I’m not alone, would ya?! Until then, I’ll be, most likely, in a frenzy somewhere – though I truly believe that frenzy will set me on the path to the greatness to follow. It’s called being driven.

Over and out,

Coco x

So no one told you life was gonna be this way: things that happen when you realise you’re in your mid twenties

Okay, so I’m 24 now. Yep. Twenty bloody four. Half of my friends are 25, the other half are 26 – and I even went to a 30th birthday this month. That’s it, folks, life ain’t no Wacky Warehouse anymore. It’s all rent, promotions, soda water, appropriate skirt lengths and running for the last train home – with the most desirable asset in our sights being a mortgage. Picture this: Ooh gosh, Martin and Amy have bought a house. They’re going to owe ten times their annual salary for the rest of their lives. I’M SO JEALOUS. Legit.

It’s that time of our lives when everybody is at a different point along the timeline, and every time someone else moves their counter one step forward or one step back, you start evaluating exactly what’s going on with your counter. But that’s not all that happens when you hit your mid twenties, now is it?

  1. When ticking age specific boxes, you’re often closer to 30 than you are 18.
  2. The TV screen reads, “Jenna, 18, Student”. Ooh wow she’s only my age. NO SHE IS NOT.
  3. One day it dawns on you that people out in clubs were born in 1997.
  4. You start to realise you actually don’t understand what younger people are talking about. Seriously, wtf is Yik Yak?
  5. You realise that you’ve had to start evaluating whether trends are “too young” for you. Yeah, lace up tops, I’m talking about YOU.
  6. On that note, you also have to decide whether a skirt length is “appropriate”.
  7. You’ve likely become as bitter and grumpy as an 80 year old man who fought in the war battling with his teenage neighbours.
  8. You’ve said the phrase “kids these days”. Usually in reference to witnessing a newborn baby fully competent in the usage of an iPad, which is basically considered the next stage after breast feeding.
  9. In conversation with a younger friend or colleague, you’ve had to consider whether or not they’ll know what you’re talking about when referencing the past. Sadly, there are actual walking, talking humans out there who were barely out of nappies on that fateful day when Gareth Gates didn’t win Pop Idol in 2002. So sadly, no, they don’t remember how many days they cried for.
  10. You rush to the Boxing Day sales to look at sofas. Or kitchenware. Or bed sheets.
  11. You wish Tupperware parties were still a thing.
  12. You’re coming to the realisation that your rail card discount is ending.
  13. You then start to strategically plan your final application so that your last card is granted the day before your 26th birthday.
  14. People area getting pregnant and are happy about it.
  15. People have started calling their boyfriends/girlfriends their “partner”.
  16. You give yourself a mini high five when you manage to stay out past 2.
  17. You feel the need to present your case with evidence in Zip Loc bags when telling someone about the shit you used to pull when you were 18 or 19, purely because you’re such a relic now, there’s a genuine risk they won’t believe you.
  18. When describing something that happened, you have to add in that there aren’t any photos on Facebook because, wait for it…….FACEBOOK WASN’T INVENTED THEN.
  19. Similarly, you’ve ended a conversation with “I just wish there had been camera phones back then”.
  20. You gaze from afar at young kids drawing on their tablets and wonder if they’ll ever know the true joy of drawing a fake road on the pavement with a piece of chalk.
  21. You realise you’ve been driving for seven years. So yep, you can hire a car, test drive a car, AND BE FULLY COMP ON SOMEONE ELSE’S. Our driving capabilities know no bounds.
  22. When people’s kids bump into you in shops, the parent says “mind the lady” and you’re like “umm soz but I’m actually a hot, young predator who just so happens to be shopping for anti ageing cream and Bio Oil.”
  23. You can often quite easily drift through the checkout at supermarkets with a bottle of wine without having to present ID. That’s because the shop assistant knows that you’re actually using it for your Coq Au Vin dish for your own version of Come Dine With Me – and not for the King Cup in Ring of Fire.
  24. The shop assistant probably knows this because your accompanying items are more along the lines of portobello mushrooms, soy milk and blueberries, rather than pot noodles, Glen’s vodka and a bag of basics pre-grated cheddar (because come on, you had wayyyyyy to much on your plate at Uni to even THINK about grating your own cheese).
  25. You now do grate your own cheese because “you just don’t know what preservatives are in the pre-grated stuff”.
  26. You’ve had the heartbreaking task of removing your Saturday job from your CV to make space for your exec role.
  27. You’ve also thought “but I want employers to know I was a hard working individual from the fresh young age of 15”.
  28. You’ve started booking holidays based on reviews that say “not many clubs nearby”. Sorry, Aimee from the West Midlands, but your sad face rating on Trivago has given me the green light to get this shit booked.
  29. One day you’re eating white bread as a one off, the next day your jeans don’t fit. That’s just life now.
  30. Your idea of chic interior decor is more along the lines of neutral photo frames and candles than a messy photo montage with a multitude of wristbands and a penis keyring pinned to it.

I’ve probably missed a million things, but, you know. There’s always room for a part 2.

Over and out,

Coco x

tupperware

 

 

 

23 Truths About Owning an iPhone

Evening all. This week I’ve fallen victim to a few iPhone fails. Yes, I cracked my screen, broke my charger and splashed water on it while texting in the tub. Basically the Apple hatrick. It made me realise that there are a few, well, facts of life that become apparent when you join team iPhone, that I just had to share some of mine! I’m sure you’ll all agree!
  1. Your favourite bars, restaurants and cafés are no longer ranked on the quality of food or value for money. More on the vastness of their available plug sockets (can we get an Amen for starbucks)
  2. The term 1% can mean anything from “this is the end” to “chill bro, you’ve got half a day’s battery left”
  3. There is no greater feeling of triumph than when you drop your iPhone in such a manor that you are expecting it to be smashed to pieces when you see it landed face down, only to realise it has made it through yet another near fatal experience.
  4. You then brand your blessed iphone, INDESTRUCTABLE, and tell everyone you know.
  5. Your iphone then, one sad day, falls victim to one of your losses of grip, shatters a dramatic pattern in both the screen, and lets face it your heart too, which is usually followed by angry slurs at how brittle and fragile the iphones are. Yes. We’re talking about the same indestructible iPhone you raved about last week.
  6. The torch app you installed years ago is actually useless, as the toolbar has its own built in torch.
  7. You have a distinct feeling of attachment to the Paper Toss and Beer Drinking apps that were downloaded on your first iPhone. You’d rather delete photographs of your wedding day than these classic bad boys.
  8. You will never truly know what the mysterious 4GB of “other” is cluttering up your 16GB iphone. Nor why the total capacity isn’t, never was, and never ever will be, the full 16GB.
  9. Upon realising this, you vow that next time you will get the 32GB or 64GB. Trust me. You wont.
  10. The touch ID on your iPhone 5s NEVER works when you’re trying to dazzle your non-iphone-owning friends.
  11. The same can be said for Siri
  12. If you haven’t already, the day will come when you will swallow your pride, skuttle up to a waiter in a restaurant, and beg and plead that a member of staff has an iphone charger you can borrow.
  13. The aforementioned waiter and fellow staff will usually say yes, and give you a look tailored only for this moment, which encompasses sheer compassion and sympathy at the fact you’re out of battery and can no longer operate your pressing schedule of Snapchat, Instagram and Candy Crush Saga on the tube home.
  14. You can tell what kind of person someone is by whether they use folders for apps or just leave it scattered across the home screen.
  15. You will have, at some point, somehow taken a screen shot of absolutely nothing, and to this day have no idea how it happened.
  16. When someone tells you their battery life is awful, you just can’t take them seriously unless they answer yes to the “ah but do you close down all your apps by double clicking the home screen? Question. If they don’t, then quite frankly, they deserve it.
  17. You will forever wonder why you can’t just say haha, without the daily battle of it saying gaga.
  18. Similarly, if something is hilarious once, and constitutes a capital HAHAHAHAHA, you are committing to being stuck with the OTT expression of laughter for the rest of your life, thanks to autocorrect changing every “haha” to that one.
  19. You have never. Ever. Wanted to say Ducking, and quite frankly cant even believe it’s a word
  20. You can never be allowed to say the word “Yo”. It will always be changed to “up” or “to”
  21. You spend your life explaining to non-iPhone users what you actually meant when you said ducking, gaga, Sanjeev, shut, and various other assumptions that autocorrect makes on your vocabulary choices.
  22. There are no words to describe the frustration you feel when your message alert goes off, but all you get is an obnoxious blue dot next to YOUR OWN MESSAGE. What the hell is that about?!
  23. Despite all this, you are iPhone ‘til you die, and would never, ever consider switching. United we stand, iPhone owners. Together, we can survive a life of bad battery life, smashed screens, and an infinite future of autocorrect fails. WE LOVE YOU APPLE.